How Do I Feel? | Ally

Hey guys!!! And girls… It has honestly been quite a long time since I sat down to write a post that doesn’t involve reviews…K-Pop…travel logs. (You know what I mean) Todays post is gonna get a little dark/depressing so bare with me for today…..

Let’s just say that I have many thoughts and different ways of interpreting things that most people probably won’t even think of at my age. Just a hint about our ages, we’re not over 50 and we’re over the age of 1. Good luck with that information but anyways..... I’m really not the type of person that expresses my feelings very well. Even to close family members or friends…in fact I’m more reserved towards my family members. It is a little awkward for me to be writing this post because as I said, I barely open up to anyone unless they’re going through the same thing as I am but I would rather just keep things to myself and probably one day blow up. (Fingers crossed, I won’t blow up into a million pieces)

I’m kinda of one of those people who just drift off in daydreams but for me…I’m just deep in thoughts. I may seem like a stressed-out 50 year old that’s going through a mid-life crisis. (If you’re 50 and/or above or below the age of 50, I’m in no way saying you are going through a mid-life crisis) I don’t think that I’m weird (in a bad way) but rather just more mature than most people my age. I’m pretty sure most xxx year olds don’t just sit down and stare at blank walls wondering the meaning of life… I make my self sound so depressed (trust me, I’m not) but I just like reflecting on my life. Like all those tiny mistakes that you make in your entire life accumulating and the thought of not redeeming myself before those mistakes pile up just really scares me. That’s really just what’s going on in my head whenever I’m zoned out of the world.

Recently, there was a day in school when a women’s group visited our school and carried out some activities. Sadly, we were divided into groups so the 3 of us were separated. But honestly, I think it was for the better that we weren’t in the same groups because the closer I am to a person, the harder it is for me to express myself and the whole activity was about opening up and expressing yourself. I was given a sheet of paper to write down my goals that I wished to achieve in the next 5 years or so.....and one of the things that I wrote down was to be a better person in general (I’m not lying that’s really what I wrote) I was also told to write down all the challenges that I had to overcome before I could achieve my goals. Let’s just say most of the challenges I wrote down had nothing to do with me. They were more about my worries of leaving behind my family and friends or whether or not I was deserving of going after my dreams.

Personally, I don’t feel like I’m a good person. And not that I’m an ex-murderer or anything but I just don’t feel like I’m a genuine nice person…it’s sad but I’m really trying my best to be a good person that everyone can benefit from. (I don’t mean take advantage or use me) I’m trying not just for the people around me but for myself as well. There are times when I do things and I’m just not 100% there or willing to do it. And after, I just feel like kicking myself for not wanting to genuinely do it. It’s probably confusing for you readers so I’ll just use an instance to explain everything…..(I love my grandparents to bits because they were there for me ever since I was young and I felt like they supported me the most even when I thought my parents didn’t. But we don’t actually live in the same house so I don’t really see them very often but my parents always encourage me to give them a call just to ask how they’re doing but being the brat that I am…I sometimes feel like just picking up the phone and dialing their number is such a hassle. But I know that even just hearing my voice would brighten up their day…sometimes I choose not to) If that doesn’t make such a bad person then I don’t know what does… I just want to be able to help someone and feel like I genuinely want to do it. And not that I didn't have a choice.

For someone my age, I’m pretty sure that not many would think like I do but lately, I have really been trying to get rid of any of the bad thoughts or feelings that I have because I believe that I’ll truly be happier if I wasn’t held back by all the bad influences. I’ve tried smiling more often and offering help and even self-reflecting but that can get really suffocating after sometime especially after realizing all the wrongs that I’ve done. But occasionally, I feel like if I do accept to get closer to people…I’m just opening too much about myself and that really scares me.

That’s kinda it for this weeks post from me. Honestly, this wasn’t as bad or hard as I thought it was going to be. Maybe it’s just easier to type out and express how I feel to someone out there that doesn’t know me personally rather than talking to someone face-to-face. It’s a little overwhelming for me to say these kind of things out loud so I’m really glad that I have this blog that I share with my other 2 friends to just rant about random things and how I feel. I’m sorry to those of you who had to bear with all the depressed Ally’s talk. And also just to clarify, I’m not writing this post for others to say that I’m just faking to be a nice person. I’m truly planning on self-reflecting and I guess somewhat purify my outlook on life…..does that make sense?

This week’s post was more of a rant but I actually got really good advice from the facilitators that visited our school and I’m planning to write about it sometime soon. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get it done by next week…so stay tuned 😬

Love,

Ally ♡